Art and Thoughts on Sanctification

After gallons of good intentions gone south, commitment going the way of the dinosaur and promises evolving into lies, I do not feel I could stand before God, point my figure and say “I tried and was unable; I asked you and you would not help; so it is all Your fault”. Therefore, I wonder maybe the grace and ability is there and I just need to receive it, yet I'm still waiting for Him to give me the understanding of How to freaking receive all He has given me! The How to receive cannot be found between these two ears. My eyes strain but still cannot see what it even means to receive. All I know is if I don’t at least try in my own strength, my life really goes to pot and God does not like pot (I don't think so anyways).

Yeah, yeah, I know I am not suppose to say this, but it really does seem God only helps those who help themselves. By grace, Paul labored and did more than all the other apostles. John Wesley did more in a lifetime then a 100 average people could do in 20 life times, but was he God's robot? Or could it be he was a prodigy when it came to time management? As if God's grace is a swimming pool full of seeds and the few who make the trip and fill their feed bags and then go and plow the dirt and remove the rocks and plant the seeds and consistently water them will indeed receive the biggest harvest. But, I am of the generation that just goes to Wal-Mart, buys a loaf of bread and complains about how long the toaster takes.

Does it take a driven personality? Well, then I have this going against me: I am a phlegmatic; A lack of self-discipline is in my blood; motivation did not find its way into the gene pool. Slothfulness and selfishness like a vine have intertwined themselves around every branch of who I am, so I always have to swim against the current to continue in anything worthwhile and I am a crappy swimmer and those vines don't help anything. But for those driven type folks, getting things done is like a bike ride through the park; a simple stroll and they reach their goal. A hip and a hop and what they want is got (I know that was a miserable attempt at a rhyme... sorry)

I cannot help but wonder if the blame lies is on me, maybe His grace is there, but I must pick up myself, I must get disciplined, I must just do it, and of course if I ever manage to do it, it will be by His grace alone. But me doing it has never worked that well. Two thirds of the time I lack motivation, consistency and desire. I'm like a puppet tossed and pulled into submission by my changing moods; it is like the enemy really is able to program how I think and what I want. I really wish God would at least somehow fix this. I will never get anywhere unless I first consistently care.

I am between a rock and a hard place, If I humbly claim I can’t do anything apart from Christ and it is all of God, I feel I am saying He is responsible for my life of failure and sin.

One day after work I was driving down a curvy country road while listening to a sermon. My heart was warmed, my ears perked, and I listened intently as he described spiritual frustrations perfectly. Then at the climax, he started shouting the magical solution to all my problems: “Just receive it! Jesus is already giving you all you need, it is already in you, Just RECEIVE IT!” I threw up my hands and start screaming “HOW! HOW! Look O.K…! my hands are open! I receive… I receive, O.K! I receive, AHHH!” (I would not recommend you doing this in your car) Not very often do I get angry, but this really pushed my buttons.

“JUST RECEIVE”
Where else could I run, where else could I hide?
Where else could I go to find the strength to live the life?
With every passing day it becomes increasing clear
That I am Dependent on You

But what about when I cannot find You, When I cannot feel You?
Must I endure these times of misery? What about when I am numb
And my heart is fatigued and I don’t have the will or the strength?
You let me taste of your abundant life, but why so quickly take it away?
Now I am addicted and miserable, because I cannot find You

They say I just must recognize that I am in the Vine
That you are simply there, I just must receive your abundant life
This is a dream I wish would turn into reality
This “Stop trying, start trusting”, “Let go, let God”
No responsibility on me at all …Sounds like heaven

They say it only comes by revelation
Well, I’ve been waiting here three long years
What can I do while I wait?
Am I hopeless until it comes?
Wide eyed but I cannot see,
what they mean when
they tell to receive

The Truth shell set you free
Or may I say open the cell door
But it will not push you out
If you so choose to stay

Those who are not seeking
Do not want to find
Sharing truth is like placing a rock in front of an ant
Mindlessly they'll find a way around it

And say, Please don't confuse me with your facts
I have my find made up
To continue on is like lecturing a kid
On why he should eat his broccoli

But what about those who are seeking?
What about those who want to be free
And the truth is within and all around them
But they are still slaves?

The truth shell set you free
Or may I say open the cell door
But these chains bind us to the wall
So here Lord we stay

The truth shell set you free
But truth is like a pile of keys
You must find the right shape
Before you can be released

Sometimes we must hear it
Sometimes we must see it
Sometimes we must feel it
Sometimes it must be all the above
But it must come from a different person
In a different way

Sometimes during a worship service, a quality conversation or meditation on scripture; its as if I am plugged in (I see things clearly, feel convicting and inspiration, I able to think about God and pray like I ought) but the moment I leave, its as if I am unplugged instantly and I no longer care and I don't remember anything and the conviction was like darts with blunt tips that hurt when they hit me, but just bounced off and fell to the floor. There are seasons in my life that even when I'm plugged in, nothing happens because the light bulb is burned out and I am spiritually dense no matter what. God takes His sweet time, but eventually gives me a new bulb and then while plugged in I am once again engulfed in glorious insight.
While plugged in I need to be getting recharged, so it can carry me for at least a little while. Sometimes I do get a insight or a specially time with God which last for a few hours or a few days, but this is only once in a blue moon. I mean, I do understand we need our "daily manna" But yeah food fuels us for at least a while, what if we were always hungry but for the moments we are actually eating! That not living! I am like a bad cell phone battery that won't charge, and has to be plugged in to work, and half of the time the connection is so bad that even when plugged in I won't turn on.

I cannot offer light unless I am plugged in
Yet even if I am connected
The right person must turn me on
But for most, their world is already bright
So yeah, why would they want my light?
So I am left unnoticed except for the eight legged creatures
Making their wonderful works of art on me

Some people try flipping the switch
When there is no electricity flowing through me
So after a few clicks they leave
I can't blame them though; I'd do the same thing

Sometimes I am the button that sparks curiosity
But it's only moments after I am pushed in
That they realize they don't like my light
And loose interest like children with a.d.d.

Sometimes I need my mind renewed
Like the lamp besides my bed needs a new bulb
Sometimes in the removing, the glass part shatters
Leaving a mess and the metal part screwed in
Making it no longer a easy operation for the hands
But instead something in need of a special tool and patience

If I ever was to find pride in the intensity of my light
I would just need one glimpse of the sun and I'd not feel so bright
I am only one part of the house with a limited purpose
When everything in the house reflexes the sunlight
I should not clamor for attention
But wait, for in time they'll be turning to me

For months I've been at a place without electricity
While here, can I shine? No, it’s just not within me
With no energy rushing through my vains
The how to manuals become quite meaningless to me

Now at times I been at places with electricity
But my wire lies in several severed pieces
And this, I want everyone else to see
so they would stop commanding me
to stop complaining and to 'just do it'
Claiming that the power to shine is in me

When I am melancholy and depressed over the fact that I am not working
It could be a bad bulb, wiring or the lack of power among other things
Yet the church pays very little attentions to how somethings are slightly complicated
How there is not one 'fits all' seminary answer that would fix me
My light bulb is a rare one not found at your neighborhood wal-mart
The few places that do carry it, hardly ever have it in stock

All I can say is ‘first things first’ Lord
If Your life is not flowing through me
How on earth do you expect me to be the light of the world
Illuminating that narrow pathway leading to Your life?

Even if I was a different kind of lamp
One that runs on oil or on batteries
Still I would be dependent upon
Something that is outside of me

Apart from you Lord I am worthless
Other than being some decoration in a home
During the day I may look antique and nice
But the real purpose of a lamp is to shine

I look at the world and I see people trying to be the biggest lamp
Or to have the coolest shades, but for what? No one is plugged in!
Oh but in their darkness, they are unable to see this
But maybe if a few of us were shining
The light bulb would come on above their brain
And they would began see they're living outside of their design
And that Jesus is life force that would give them purpose and meaning