Art and Thoughts on Sanctification

After gallons of good intentions gone south, commitment going the way of the dinosaur and promises evolving into lies, I do not feel I could stand before God, point my figure and say “I tried and was unable; I asked you and you would not help; so it is all Your fault”. Therefore, I wonder maybe the grace and ability is there and I just need to receive it, yet I'm still waiting for Him to give me the understanding of How to freaking receive all He has given me! The How to receive cannot be found between these two ears. My eyes strain but still cannot see what it even means to receive. All I know is if I don’t at least try in my own strength, my life really goes to pot and God does not like pot (I don't think so anyways).

Yeah, yeah, I know I am not suppose to say this, but it really does seem God only helps those who help themselves. By grace, Paul labored and did more than all the other apostles. John Wesley did more in a lifetime then a 100 average people could do in 20 life times, but was he God's robot? Or could it be he was a prodigy when it came to time management? As if God's grace is a swimming pool full of seeds and the few who make the trip and fill their feed bags and then go and plow the dirt and remove the rocks and plant the seeds and consistently water them will indeed receive the biggest harvest. But, I am of the generation that just goes to Wal-Mart, buys a loaf of bread and complains about how long the toaster takes.

Does it take a driven personality? Well, then I have this going against me: I am a phlegmatic; A lack of self-discipline is in my blood; motivation did not find its way into the gene pool. Slothfulness and selfishness like a vine have intertwined themselves around every branch of who I am, so I always have to swim against the current to continue in anything worthwhile and I am a crappy swimmer and those vines don't help anything. But for those driven type folks, getting things done is like a bike ride through the park; a simple stroll and they reach their goal. A hip and a hop and what they want is got (I know that was a miserable attempt at a rhyme... sorry)

I cannot help but wonder if the blame lies is on me, maybe His grace is there, but I must pick up myself, I must get disciplined, I must just do it, and of course if I ever manage to do it, it will be by His grace alone. But me doing it has never worked that well. Two thirds of the time I lack motivation, consistency and desire. I'm like a puppet tossed and pulled into submission by my changing moods; it is like the enemy really is able to program how I think and what I want. I really wish God would at least somehow fix this. I will never get anywhere unless I first consistently care.

I am between a rock and a hard place, If I humbly claim I can’t do anything apart from Christ and it is all of God, I feel I am saying He is responsible for my life of failure and sin.

One day after work I was driving down a curvy country road while listening to a sermon. My heart was warmed, my ears perked, and I listened intently as he described spiritual frustrations perfectly. Then at the climax, he started shouting the magical solution to all my problems: “Just receive it! Jesus is already giving you all you need, it is already in you, Just RECEIVE IT!” I threw up my hands and start screaming “HOW! HOW! Look O.K…! my hands are open! I receive… I receive, O.K! I receive, AHHH!” (I would not recommend you doing this in your car) Not very often do I get angry, but this really pushed my buttons.

“JUST RECEIVE”
Where else could I run, where else could I hide?
Where else could I go to find the strength to live the life?
With every passing day it becomes increasing clear
That I am Dependent on You

But what about when I cannot find You, When I cannot feel You?
Must I endure these times of misery? What about when I am numb
And my heart is fatigued and I don’t have the will or the strength?
You let me taste of your abundant life, but why so quickly take it away?
Now I am addicted and miserable, because I cannot find You

They say I just must recognize that I am in the Vine
That you are simply there, I just must receive your abundant life
This is a dream I wish would turn into reality
This “Stop trying, start trusting”, “Let go, let God”
No responsibility on me at all …Sounds like heaven

They say it only comes by revelation
Well, I’ve been waiting here three long years
What can I do while I wait?
Am I hopeless until it comes?
Wide eyed but I cannot see,
what they mean when
they tell to receive